Tips For Red Necks
>
>IN GENERAL
>1. Never take adult beverages to a job interview.
>2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
>3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
>4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
>5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still
> considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
>
>DINING OUT
>1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
>slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
>2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your fingers
>covering the label.
>
>ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
>1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a taxidermist.
>2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his manners are.
>
>PERSONAL HYGIENE
>1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should be
>done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
>2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days. However,
>if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
>3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they tend to
>detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her finger foods.
>
>DATING ( ......... Outside the Family)
>1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
>2. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say
>10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the
>man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
>
>THEATER ETIQUETTE
>1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
>after the movie has ended.
>2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
>can't hear you.
>
>WEDDINGS
>1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
>2. Kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds may get you shot.
>3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund and
>a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
>4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
>
>DRIVING ETIQUETTE
>1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is loaded,
>and the deer is in sight.
>2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
>always has the right of way.
>3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
>4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite to
>ask her to bring back more adult beverages.
>5. Do not "burn rubber" while traveling in a funeral procession